A work in progress..

My mind constantly wonders with so many thoughts, ideas, and possibilities, it can sometimes get me in trouble. Some like to say that I think too much, over analyze things.. I Like to blast my music loud, so loud that i feel the base in my soul; allowing me to feel connected to the words being sung to the beat that may share my similar emotions.. I love to dance in the mirror, sometimes as a ballerina or as a video chic. I usually groove to the beat and let the music take control over me... my radio gives me solace, inner peace, its my time to rock out and gather myself again.. almost like my fantasy world.. my personal winter wonderland... I love to eat weird foods. pickles, olives, and cheese..lol.. and lets not forget my cravings for spicy shrimp tempura sushi.. I almost put hot sauce on everything, not because i am ghetto, but because I love the taste of spicy food. Oh and lets not forget, my love for Push Pops and Gummies (non sour). 

I like to refer to myself as Bee Lat, my alter ego, she is everything I will become, I am, and dream to be. She has this imagination, motivation, sassiness, elegance, sexiness, brilliance, beauty, confidence like no other... She does not give a damn about those around her, just about becoming the best she can be.. She has self-control, knows what to do when to do it.. gives the benefit of the doubt to people, all the things that Brittany does not do..lol

Cause Brittany, has a chip on her shoulder at times, she yells, assumes, fights, curses u out, and her mouth is OD ridiculous. She is a good person over all, but those who do not her hardly ever get a chance to see both sides.. they just run with those things above and say that thats me as a total person. Only those that are close to  me indulge in my fun, loving, happy side..lol.. This side is more emotional, therefore, the things that have happened throughout lives course has taken a toll.. 

Ultimately, I love to cook, and try new recipes.. dress with my own unique style.. I love heels.. being a girly girl..lol.. prissiness is my MO.. I wear PINK and Purple All the time..lol.. My Fav. color is Torqouise (sadly I can not spell it)... I dream of finding true love one day.. being in love..hahaha,.. But now my goal is trying to have my own life before I am sharing my life with someone else..  I absolutely hate FAKE ppl..lol.. they really bother me because I am so bold and blunt.. So i do not have time for the bullshit.. 

I am now choosey of the ppl that I allow in my life.. I only have positive, progressing people, y??? cause I am a work in progress my damn self!!!!

NEGATIVE ENERGY

ITS REAALL WIERD TO ME...I SEEM TO ATTRACT THE MOST NEGATIVE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE. I DO NOT KNOW IF IT IS ME OR AM I A MAGNET FOR NEGATIVE ENERGY!!! I HAVE NO GOOD LUCK WITH MEN, I SEEM TO ATTRACT ALL ASSHOLES. I AM TRYING TO DO SELF-EVALUATING, BUT THIS TIME I REALIZE ITS NOT ALL THE WAY ME. I DO NOT WANT TO SETTLE FOR BEING THE FRIEND, JUST THE FRIEND. I AM NOT GOING TO GIVE MYSELF TO SOMEONE AND THEY NOT GIVE ME SHIT. I GIVE SO MUCH OF MYSELF, AND AT THE END I RECEIVE NOTHING. IT HURTS ME SO BAD THAT I KEEP HAVING PEOPLE ENTER MY LIFE THAT ARE COMPLETELY SELFISH AND NO GOOD FOR ME. I DO NOT THINK I AM HARD TO PLEASE, I AM A GOOD PERSON, BUT I DO KNOW I REFUSE TO GET LESS THAN THE BEST. MEN SEEM TO THINK I AM WRONG FOR THAT. I HATE GETTING THE RUN AROUND, NOT A PRIORITY, AND NOT THE SIGNIFICANT. SHIT, I AM TIRED!!! BEYOND FED UP, I HAVE BEEN SCORNED AND HURT BY PEOPLE SO BAD THAT I REALLY WISH I DID NOT LIVE IN THIS WORLD FULL OF DECEITFUL PEOPLE. I KNOW THERE ARE GOOD PEOPLE OUT THERE, BUT EMPRESS SEEMS TO NEVER SEEMS TO FIND THEM. I FIND PEOPLE THAT HAVE A LOT OF NEGATIVE ENERGY, THAT ARE SO FULL OF THEMSELVES THAT THEY CANNOT APPRECIATE MY BEAUTY, MY ESSENCE!! I AM SO CHANGING AND GROWING RIGHT NOW, ITS UNBELIEVABLE. I AM GETTING STRONGER BY THE DAY, AND I LOVE IT. HOWEVER, THIS ROAD IS A LITTLE LONELY NOW. ISOLATED!!! I GUESS I AM FINDING MYSELF, LEARNING MORE ABOUT ME, BUT I DID NOT KNOW WHEN I GOT HERE IT WOULD FEEL LIKE THIS. MAYBE THATS Y I AM SO FRUSTRATED. I JUST WANT TO BE ME, AND PEOPLE LOVE ME FOR ME!! I AM WHO I AM, AND I CAN NOT CHANGE THAT. I WOULD NOT CHANGE IT FOR THE WORLD. BUT I DO WANT TO BE WORTH IT TO SOMEONE. BUT I GUESS WHAT DOES NOT KILL ME WILL MAKE ME STRONGER. ONLY IF I COULD SEE WHAT THIS IS PREPARING ME, ONLY IF I KNEW THE SIGNIFICANCE MAYBE I WOULD BE A LITTLE MORE AT PEACE. I TRY TO BE LOYAL, LOVING, RIDE OR DIE CHIC, ETC. BUT ITS NOT ENOUGH. THEN I FIND MYSELF COMPROMISING ME BY TEACHING PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT ME, LOVE ME, AND APPRECIATE ME. IF THEY CANNOT GET IT RIGHT, THAN I SHOULD KEEP IT MOVING, BUT SOMETIMES I WISH THEY WOULD JUST GET IT TOGETHER. I KNOW NO ONE IS PERFECT BUT I SEEM TO GET THE REAL MESSED UP ONES. ALL THE MESSED UP ONES, LITERALLY!!! 

This Battle is Not Yours...

THE BATTLE IS THE LORDS
Yolanda Adams
(Written by Michael McKay)

There is no pain Jesus can't feel
No hurt He can not heal
All things work according to His perfect will
No matter what you're going through
Remember God is using YouFor the battle is not yoursIt's the Lord's
There's no sadness Jesus can't feelAnd there is no sorrow that He can not heal
For all things work according to the Master's holy will
No matter what you're going through
Remember that God is only using You
For the battle is not yours
It's the Lord's
It's the Lord's
Yes It's the Lord's
Hold your head up high
Don't you frightIt's the Lord's
It's the Lord's
Yes It's the Lord's
No matter what
You're going through
Remember that GodOnly wants to use youFor the battle is not yours
It's the Lord's
No matter what
You happen to go through right now
Remember that in the midst of it all
God only wants to use you
No matter what you're going through
For the battle is not yours
It's the Lord'sNo matter what it is
That you're going through
Hold your head up, stick your chest out
And remember He's using you
No matter what you're going through
God is only using you For this battle is not yours alone
This battle is not yours, no
You can not handle it all by yourself
No, no, no, no, no, no
It's not yoursThis battle is not yours
It's the Lord's, not yours This battle is not yours
The Lord is the only one who can fight it
He wants to use you as His vessel
So be open to Him
It's not yours
No It's not yours
It's the Lord's, not yours The battle is not your's
It's the Lord'sHallelujahyeah!

After reading the lyrics to this powerful song, I began to think about my best friend told me last night. She sincerely told me that I have to relax and reflect on the past so I can move on. It puts everything into perspective. I try to predict and control everything that I do, when truthfully I can not. If I give it to god, relax, and live things will naturally happen for me. Life is too precious to spend it doing repetitive things that are hindering my personal development.

I got to let life take its course but i have to be ready for the journey that instored for me. I am trying to be mancho and miss know it all when truthfully I do not know anything. I am still learning and still becoming comfortable in my skin.

So my lesson today, is the battle is not yours!!! Let life happen... as easy as they may sound. I know it is hard because I am trying to conquer that same task. However, it something we must all do if we do not want to fall into the gaps of unhappiness.

The Long Awaited Change: "RisK"

I was the risk that someone took, and will be the risk that maybe a couple of guys may face, if he decides that me, Empress Bee, is what he wants. 

I could not believe the words that I read via text message: "you were a risk." How else did he mean it? Only the most negative way possible. This person who claims to love me and the one whom I have scraficed so much for.  This NIGGA, had the guts to really say such a thing to me. I felt disrespected beyond belief, like a woman that has degraded herself with no need of any respect. Which is clearly not me! 

So Of COurse, the risk had to get rid of the decietful bastard. I worth more than that. I see that no matter how much you love a person or show them that you love them, they are still capable of being selfish and cold. They still have the ability to pick and choose not to love you back, or come up with their theories about you. 

Risk is what made me free. Free to live again! So I want to thank the risk for being the thing that I once hid from, embarrassed of, insecure because of, and now you are the thing that helps me break loose from the most confused man ever. 

101208 (the day risk entered and left my life) 

Reflecting Who You Are!!!

"Freckles"
Natasha Bedingfield

I used to care so much about what others think about
Almost didn't have a thought of my own
The slightest remark would make me embark
On the journey of self doubt
But that was a while ago
This girl has got stronger
If I knew then what I know now
I would have told myself don't worry any longer it's OK

[Chorus:]
'cause a face without freckles is like a sky without stars
Why waste a second not loving who you are
Those little imperfections make you beautiful, lovable, valuable,
They show your personality inside your heart
Reflecting who you are

Who you are
Who you are
Who you are

I wondered if I could trade my body with somebody else in magazines
Would the whole world fall at my feet?
I felt unworthy and would blame my failures on the ugliness I could see
When the mirror looked at me
Sometimes I feel like the little girl who doesn't belong in her own world
But I'm getting better
And I'm reminding myself

[Chorus]

Reflecting who you are
Reflecting who you are
Hmmm
Whoooooo whoa hmmmm oooooo


Songs Like this really make me happy and know that its ok not to be perfect! That my flaws are what makes me who I am! And I have to be happy with that, no one else but me. I have to be comfortable in my own skin! Every girl needs to listen to this song! Its a true impression to those who are finding themselves and growing into who they are going to be. Its a comfort zone that needs to be reinsured at times.

Growth...

Lately, I have been caught up in living my life and getting my school work done that I have neglected taking care of me emotionally. It is said that it takes for something that bothers me extremely for me to get on here to expose my deepest thoughts and feelings.I am yearning to keep growing and to keep pressing for bettering myself. However, It is something about when I get to school I am not at ease. Its like the people have a strange affect on my well being. I do not want to care what people think or say, however, it does bother me. Sometimes I really hate the social aspect of college. I guess its like I have to become more comfortable with me and learn to relax at all times. They should not affect me the way they do. I want to feel free like i did in the summer, I wish the warm breezes did not disappear into the thin. Its like the freedom disappeared with the changes of the season.

As we speak, I am currently in a dispute with my boyfriend (as usual). I really do love this boy but at times he tends to ignore the things that matter to me and the things that hurt me. I must admit I am sensitive, however, I really never have these problems unless I am dealing with immature or selfish people. Right now, I am upset about many things within this relationship (this hell hole at times). I am mad because I never got a birthday gift, he loves me when he wants, he let me drive a 45 minute ride and he did not call to check on me, he was not home i got there, he lied about being where he was, he believes his friends over me, and when i bring these things up he tries to ignore them like they never happened. He woke up and tried to pretend like shit was all peachy. Clearly, it was not. He has yet to apologize or tried to talk about these issues that i have. And...when we do. He will not feel as though he is wrong or will not work on his mistakes. He tries to play this relationship like it is a game, like he tried to get me to apologize first, however, if we do not talk and hear each other out...why the hell am i apologizing!!!!! AND he hates the phone like most men, cool, but we have a long distance relationship. How the hell is it gonna work????

Basically, Its too much at times. Especially, when I have so much other good stuff going on in my life. My internship, trying to excel in school, trying to better my relationship with my mother, being stable, helping my brother, being career oriented, trying to study abroad, just simply exploring life. He seems to be a hinderance to my life, he is never happy for me, he does not love me no matter what (well I guess i can not say that because we have been together for almost 3 years)...I love him and I know it could work. I know that it can!!!! But It is his ego and how he handles situations.

I am just ready for love but good love not this toxic painful stuff! I wonder if there is a such thing. I guess thats why i debate if i should stay or should I leave...

Anyways, the reason why this is called growth is because I caught myself about to snap, about to cry, and I really ask myself how should I handle this in a positively way. Instead, of loading his inbox with text, i had to tell myself to stop. I had to pull my self back and say STOP Brittany! It is not working by talking to him and explaining yourself. Just show actions and how hurt you are. He can not just do those things and think its ok. Do not talk to him, go out on a date, have me time, love yourself first! Be strong, and make sure you make a statement. He is going to keep doing it, if you do not classically condition him to know the consequences, but if there are none then why would he stop.

I have to stop being a dumb female and letting this man control me!! My emotions!! I am going to be OK with or with out him!!
I just have to make a wise decision, I am not sure what it is now but I hope I will find out soon.

Goodbye Aunt Dot

This morning I got the most sincere touch my mother awaken me. Her words were Good Afternoon, I just wanted to you to know that Aunt Dot passed away this morning at 2AM. My first expression was pure happiness and relief, she was suffering with so much pain; miserably laying in the bed for a week. I just did not want her to leave this world that way, therefore, i hope this morning was the most peaceful sleep she ever got, I hope the birds sang as she rested her head on the soft pillow, and as she pulled the cover of her body to warm her body.

The relationship that I had with my Aunt Dot is truly an unique one. I did not see her often but it was if I did. She called my house two and three times a day, left messages, yelled and got upset with me when my mother did yet loved me unconditionally all the time. The last time I saw her was for her birthday and what a treat that was. Her presence and laughter to enlighten the evening was a pleasure for me.


Only thing I wish was I had time to see her, just that last time. To Say I love you to share a laugh/giggle/or chuckle. But I know, you are in a better place. So today I raised out of my bed with happiness to say your pain is over now. You will be missed by many, your love and lessons will prevail your family...your legacy has been left through your daughters and granddaughters. I Love you!

P.S. And people say that blood is thicker than water, will I have people such as Aunt Dot and Aunt Celeste that have none of their blood running through my veins... and were closer than family could ever be. Enjoy People while you can, while they are here. Life is Short!