Growth...

Lately, I have been caught up in living my life and getting my school work done that I have neglected taking care of me emotionally. It is said that it takes for something that bothers me extremely for me to get on here to expose my deepest thoughts and feelings.I am yearning to keep growing and to keep pressing for bettering myself. However, It is something about when I get to school I am not at ease. Its like the people have a strange affect on my well being. I do not want to care what people think or say, however, it does bother me. Sometimes I really hate the social aspect of college. I guess its like I have to become more comfortable with me and learn to relax at all times. They should not affect me the way they do. I want to feel free like i did in the summer, I wish the warm breezes did not disappear into the thin. Its like the freedom disappeared with the changes of the season.

As we speak, I am currently in a dispute with my boyfriend (as usual). I really do love this boy but at times he tends to ignore the things that matter to me and the things that hurt me. I must admit I am sensitive, however, I really never have these problems unless I am dealing with immature or selfish people. Right now, I am upset about many things within this relationship (this hell hole at times). I am mad because I never got a birthday gift, he loves me when he wants, he let me drive a 45 minute ride and he did not call to check on me, he was not home i got there, he lied about being where he was, he believes his friends over me, and when i bring these things up he tries to ignore them like they never happened. He woke up and tried to pretend like shit was all peachy. Clearly, it was not. He has yet to apologize or tried to talk about these issues that i have. And...when we do. He will not feel as though he is wrong or will not work on his mistakes. He tries to play this relationship like it is a game, like he tried to get me to apologize first, however, if we do not talk and hear each other out...why the hell am i apologizing!!!!! AND he hates the phone like most men, cool, but we have a long distance relationship. How the hell is it gonna work????

Basically, Its too much at times. Especially, when I have so much other good stuff going on in my life. My internship, trying to excel in school, trying to better my relationship with my mother, being stable, helping my brother, being career oriented, trying to study abroad, just simply exploring life. He seems to be a hinderance to my life, he is never happy for me, he does not love me no matter what (well I guess i can not say that because we have been together for almost 3 years)...I love him and I know it could work. I know that it can!!!! But It is his ego and how he handles situations.

I am just ready for love but good love not this toxic painful stuff! I wonder if there is a such thing. I guess thats why i debate if i should stay or should I leave...

Anyways, the reason why this is called growth is because I caught myself about to snap, about to cry, and I really ask myself how should I handle this in a positively way. Instead, of loading his inbox with text, i had to tell myself to stop. I had to pull my self back and say STOP Brittany! It is not working by talking to him and explaining yourself. Just show actions and how hurt you are. He can not just do those things and think its ok. Do not talk to him, go out on a date, have me time, love yourself first! Be strong, and make sure you make a statement. He is going to keep doing it, if you do not classically condition him to know the consequences, but if there are none then why would he stop.

I have to stop being a dumb female and letting this man control me!! My emotions!! I am going to be OK with or with out him!!
I just have to make a wise decision, I am not sure what it is now but I hope I will find out soon.